The Finale. A Whole lot of Jumble Trying to Sum up Two Years

I never wrote my final, close of service, returning home blog entry.  I was overwhelmed by the thought of it.  I didn't, and still don't, know what to say.  How do I sum up all the experiences, emotions, and life lessons of the past two years into one entry?  I can't, but I've been home for 8 months or so now, and I can write about some of the feelings I'm still dealing with and memories I still remember vividly.

Paraguay changed and continues to change my life.  Not a day goes by that I don't think about, miss, and long to be back in that crazy, ass backwards country.  I believe my experiences and interactions in Paraguay made me a better, stronger person.  I've never felt such real, raw, unconditional love anywhere else in my life.  Paraguayans know how to love, and they aren't afraid to say it or show it.  It's refreshing, and I wish we were able to express ourselves the same in the USA.  I had so many great experiences that fill me with joy and never cease to bring a big ol smile to my face every time I think of them.  However, there's a second side to every story.  My whole service wasn't filled with love, rainbows, and unicorns.  I endured quite a bit of maliciousness, disrespect, betrayal, and hatred.  So much so, that after a year in country, I was ready to throw in the towel, pack up my bags and come home.  I still feel haunted by these memories.  Everyday, still, its a struggle to overcome the damage that they've caused.  Part of me feels as though Paraguay was just a dream.  At times, it feels so abstract and far away, yet so real and so close at other times.

I miss sitting around drinking terere with my friends.  I miss the simplicity of life.  I miss being the donkey in the fish bowl.  I miss being the most interesting part of someone's day.  I miss the beautiful red, dirt roads.  I miss speaking Spanish.  I miss the Guarani grunts.  I miss partying until 5am with my friends.  I miss feeling special.  I miss feeling loved.  I miss my friends.  I miss my family.  I miss my Bailey girl.  I can't believe I'm about to admit this, but I miss the long bus rides, and I miss pooping in latrines.  I miss throwing my food scraps to the chickens.

I've compiled a short list of memories...some of the good, the bad, and the ugly, in no particular order, from my service.
-The day I met my host family.  My host mom came to pick me up, kissed me on the neck (because she couldn't reach my cheeks), slapped my ass, grabbed my hand, walked me home, and then served me the most delicious mango I've ever eaten.
-The day I picked out my Bailey girl from a litter of adorable puppies.  I miss that monster everyday.
-Getting charged by a bull during my future site visit.
-Unloading a bed, stove, and essential household items on to my "host father's" (I've disowned him) front lawn while telling him I'd leave as soon as I had a place to go after he kicked me out of his house.
-How bad I was at bucket bathing
-Pooping in a bucket in my living room for 2 days because the owner of my house decided to lay cement in my bathroom the day that I moved in.
-That one time I started a fire in my oven while making brownies...then ate the brownies anyway
-Starting the women's soccer team and playing in the only game we ever played
-The first time I ate raw sugar cane.  Marcio took me way out into the middle of a field in the middle of nowhere, and I was scared he was going to murder me when I saw him grab a machete.  I was pleasantly surprised when he just used it to cut me down some sugar cane.
-Carnaval.  Being pulled out of the stands during my favorite song to dance with two gorgeous twins in the parade
-Meeting and falling in love with the man I was supposed to marry only to have everything spiral so wildly out of control and leave me heartbroken.
-Summer camps with Danielle and the kiddos in mine and her communities
-Eating watermelons one half at a time during the unbearable summer heat
-Starring in a comedy show
-The super successful HIV/AIDS workshop I put on for youth.
-My patients at the Hogar, and that one time I was teaching yoga with a giant hole in my spandex pants exposing my bare booty.
-Vomiting out of bus/car windows because of intestinal parasites
-That one time Ruben asked me about "that fat girl that used to come around," and I had to inform him that was me 20 lbs ago
-So many nights of Kaoroke.
-Returning home from a long ass weekend. longing to take a nap, only to find my house had been emptied, and I no longer had a bed to nap on.
-Thanksgiving at my house last year

The list could go on forever, but hopefully those ones are enjoyable enough for you all to read :)  And I know, I didn't mention many names.  So here's where I'd like to do a few shout outs to people I could not have survived my service without: obviously my mom and dad (my real, American parents).  Thank you for supporting me during my service, I know you didn't like me being gone, and hated seeing the tears streaming down my face so often.  Lyn: probably the sole reason I didn't leave mid service.  She helped me SOOOO much during my service, and I am so grateful to her.  Julia: my talking about cute boys buddy.  Danielle: my closest neighbor for a while...and my summer camp buddy!  Sarah: my San Ignacio soul mate.  Spencer: Always bringing a smile to my face.  And my Paraguayan host family was absolutely amazing.  I still talk to them on a regular basis, and I love them and miss them dearly.  My Paraguayan friends Luis, Nol, Fran, and Juana were the light at the end of my tunnel.  They always took me on adventures and are the reasons for almost all of my joyful memories.

I endured a lot of pain, but I also endured a lot of joy.  With everything that happened, if I was given the opportunity to go back in time, I would still join the Peace Corps. I may be damaged, but aren't we all?  I know I'm better, and I'm stronger, and I have a ton of interesting stories up my sleeves :)